Screw him! Who does he think he is standing me up like this? I could’ve stayed at home for these Chuck- E- Cheese a** type of games this ni**a playin! I am livid!
I forgot this was supposed to be a journal entry. I can’t help it! This black a** ni**a then pissed me TF off…
For starters, it’s raining dogs and cats outside. It’s thundering louder than Nick Cannon was beating on them drums in Drum-line, and it dam* near look like Hurricane Katrina about to hit.
I got a son to pick up from daycare in a few hours, clothes to get from my mother’s house; (since my dryer went out last night), AND a bank run to make sure the light company don’t cut my lights off tomorrow.
So dam* right I’m pissed. This black ass ni**a told me to meet him at The Local coffee shop for brunch and he didn’t even show up. The excuse?
His mom needed him to take her to the doctor at the last minute.
Liar, liar, liar!
I passed by his house on the way home and his car is still in the driveway. Son of a b—— Ughhhh.. My bad…again. I Forgot..
I’m supposed to be “Open and Sweet & whatever the hell else Keke said in that group text a few minutes ago. I don’t know what she be on sometimes.
She got us doing some kind of “higher conscious meet Jesus group therapy exercise” that’s supposed to help us be free with each other and get closer to God. I can tell you one thing for sure. Somebody’s about to be closer to God!
And his name is Charles!
You know what. This is why I just stick to my little wand I got at home and don’t fool with these ni***s. They’re all cheaters, liars, scammers, con artist, broke, always asking for handouts (yet give nothing in return), or they got 5 baby mama’s.
And if you just so happen to run into a really shi**y ni**a, sometimes, they’re all of the above.
I’m getting off subject again. I can’t help it. Talking about “trifling dudes” is my soap box. Especially, since that seems to be what I keep attracting.
Back to this journal entry.
The names China. I’m a single mom and I have a handsome little boy. I’m a beautiful black woman and can be a little feisty at times, but I’m not a bad person.
Some dudes just bring out the worst in me! I promise I be trying. Lord knows I do! (Miss Ceily voice).
Anyway, I’m supposed to say what kind of flower resembles me and why.
I guess you can say I’m a “Birds of Paradise” flower. Not only is it from Africa; the motherland. But it’s vibrant, fresh, exotic looking, and colorful; (like my mouth can be at times). I saw it on discovery channel with my son a few of weeks ago. It looked like a bird ready to fly off.
I wish I could fly off.
It would be nice to get away from everything for a while. Even my son.
I love him, don’t get me wrong; but mama be needing a break. Any way, it’s a crazy looking flower; but beautiful. The beauty is in the eyes of the beholder I guess. Yeah, that’s my flower…
Until I find the right beholder that will see the beauty in the “madness” that is me.
Forget all this deep shi* for now; I’m hot and my magic Wand is gonna have to be my beholder tonight.
Ya feel me?
Today was a good day. I prayed. I had a smoothie. I walked my dog to the mailbox.
So today may not be the best day or the most spontaneous but ehh.. it’s good enough for me.
Some days all I can do is think, write, sing, or create; and I drive myself COMPLETELY up a wall. So, it’s good to have days like this. Days where I don’t do much.
I don’t know what it is about me, but I always have to work or have my hands tied up in something to feel like I’m being productive. No, I’m not a workaholic!
Thank you very much!
A passionate creative.
Yeah, Let’s go with that.
Any who, it’s crazy out here. This pandemic is crazy. The world is going nuts. The injustice that my black brothers and sisters are facing is sick. I’m tired of it all really.
That’s why I decided to go away for a couple of days. I was planning to go out of town for a mini vacay;
I changed my mind.
Let’s just say, the person I was going for is once again on my “Full of Crap” list. He seems to jump on and off of it so effortlessly. So, in my emotions; I decided to stay in my hometown; and go to a hotel just a short drive away from my house. It’s 300$ a night, but that’s what you’d expect at the #1 Hotel Downtown.
I still can’t believe I did this..
Everyone who knows me, knows I’m cheap. Well, not cheap,
Any who, my sister said she was dropping by this evening. That’s a good thing. Hopefully, I’ll get to see my niece before I go. Apart of me wishes I could take her with me, but… that would defeat the purpose of me trying to take a mental break from all the activities I keep giving myself.
She would have a good time though!
She could jump on the bed & get in the jacuzzi. We could watch cartoons late at night, and stay up playing video games & eating snacks.
You know what…
It’s only a few days, maybe I can pack her a little bag and—
Ugh.. See, there I go, always trying to take on some kind of responsibility. I don’t know why I do it. Maybe, it makes me feel valued? To have a thousand things going on at once and be able to maintain all of them… I don’t know. I guess I like feeling like superwoman.
Any way, I’m supposed to say what flower I am. I guess you can say, I’m a sunflower. Always smiling, always bubbly, and I try to keep my heart postured toward the Son/Sun (Aka: Jesus Christ).
Maybe that’s why I like it…
Just like the sunflower begins to wither, when it’s not close to the Sun; that’s how I feel about Jesus. I wish I could meet a man who understood that about me though.
Like, I’m human!
I’m not always in the clouds, bouncing around the spirit world with Peter & Paul. I have breakdowns, sad moments & angry moments, just like the next person. I just try not to let myself go there. People say I don’t give myself enough grace & I live unrealistically;
- No sex
- I try not to masturbate
- I don’t watch pornography
- I don’t club
- I don’t cuss
- I don’t smoke
- I Just started back drinking wine after years of taking a break from it
& I literally will try to run from sin.
If I make a mistake? I hurry to apologize and try to smooth things over. I don’t like drama and I hate gossip. And for that; I’m the “goody” girl.
Whatever the crap that is. I don’t even know what that is!
I’m just myself!
Now, I’m not saying that what they’re saying about me isn’t true;
I don’t do a lot of things; however, that still doesn’t take away from the fact that I am 100% human and live in a fleshly body! It’s just, I’d rather stay away from fire than play with it and get burned ya know?
People think because I don’t walk around with a “Woe is me attitude” that I don’t get burned at all. Trust, that’s the farthest thing from the truth.
I just choose to be positive and ignore negativity. It has nothing to do with anybody else or me trying to act like Miss goody two shoes or pretend I’m above “life itself” lol.
Being positive just works for me.
Besides, I’m in a good place now & I need to maintain this happiness! At all costs. Even if that means ignoring the random craziness that tries to happen every now and again.
I don’t know.
I just feel that, if I keep smiling, “the bad moments” will eventually catch up & be overridden by the good vibes & energy I continue to put out there.
That’s why I live the way I live.
I’d like to think that wherever I go people can be inspired by me, & see a golden glow!
Like a sunflower!
That is so my flower.
Well, it’s 3:00 p.m.
Time to check into this hotel. Wish me luck! Well, don’t wish me luck (I don’t believe in it). Just, wish me a good time in the Lord.
I got this big ole King sized bed to myself & I am about to turn up!
A Holy Turn up of course.
This can’t be happening!
“What Do you mean he’s leaving?”
“Patrice, I have to call you back!”
Please somebody tell me this isn’t true. My heart, my mind! I can’t take this! Please tell me this is a joke. What day is it? Is today April Fools?
(Looks at calendar on phone)
Please.. Oh God. Help me. Father I need you right now! What am I gonna do without him? He’s my everything!
Jesus help me.
He was my first. He was my—“
(Text from Keke)
“HEY GIRLS! We are now on the 1st day of our “Getting closer to God” fast! Remember, every day we’re going to check in & answer questions! I’ll arrange for us to have prayer calls & all that other good stuff! It’s gonna be awesome! I cannot wait for us to—”
I feel like I’m about to throw up…
As Savanna begins to weep, she runs out of the clothing store and burst through the nearest bathroom stall. While her hands are grasping for tissue; trying to make a square out of the pieces left on the roll; (her phone begins to ring).
Oh my God it’s Gerald! Okay Savanna! Calm down.
Begins to Count backwards.
Let me hurry before he hangs up!
Gerald: “Hey, Savannah!”
Savanna: “Hey, baby! I was just about to call you! How is everything?”
Gerald: “Great. Everything’s great! Can I talk to you about something later on tonight?”
Savanna: Yes Babe! You can always talk to me about anything!
Savanna laughs nervously.
Oh God, I hope I don’t sound too needy.
Gerald: “Cool. Meet me at my family’s Restaurant on Pᴀʀᴋ Aᴠᴇ tonight.”
Savanna: “You mean the one where we had our first date?”
Gerald: “Yep, that’s the one! Say around 9ish?”
Savanna: “Okay! Yes babe! I’ll see you there! I love you!”
Gerald: “I love you too! Wear something nice! Bye.”
Savanna let’s out a sigh of relief as she sits her back up against the bathroom wall.
Oh my gosh! I don’t know what everyone was talking about. My man ain’t going nowhere! Especially not without me! My baby loves me! Thank you Lord! You answered that prayer quick Jesus!
Wait, did he say wear something nice?
I wonder why?
Oh my Gosh! Do you think?
What if he—?
(Imagines Gerald on one knee)
Oh my gosh!
Keke: Don’t forget Ladies! Choose the kind of flower you are and why! This is part of the group exercise!
Keke is really into this group therapy thing.
What kind of flower am I?
That’s not really a question you hear everyday.
Ooh! I know!
Keke: Sunflower is already taken!
Danggit! Keke took the one I was going to say. I guess I’m a rose then. Why? Well, they’re pretty & romantic. So that fits!
I’m romantic and like to think I’m pretty!
Don’t forget reliable!
I’m always there with a shoulder to lean on; and I will fight for the ones I love! I’m the one everyone else can count on.
Now that I’m reading this journal entry. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.
But it’s who I am!
You know what? I take that back! It is a good thing!
It’s also the reason why I’m going to be the first one to get out of this single group!
I don’t talk back to my man or disrespect them like China. Neither do I ignore them & treat them like they’re a dime a dozen; unlike Keke. She tells everyone she hasn’t found the right one yet, but she done missed out a few times if you ask me.
But that’s none of my business..
I just focus on me and my man & do what needs to be done to keep him happy. They say I put up with too much from Gerald. But, if I don’t do it, some other woman will.
I learned that lesson from watching my mother. That’s a story for another day though. Besides, what do they know? It’s been so long since any of them have had someone crawl up their legs; who are they to tell me? Especially Keke! I mean, I love her and all, but she—
I gotta get ready for my date! So much for playing hard to get! Compliant girls ALWAYS get the man in the end! You don’t have to make things difficult for a brother! If you leave the door open; once he gets tired of them streets, he’ll come back!
They always do!
And just like the roses men buy on any special occasion. I’ll be there. Ready, waiting, and in place to get my man! What does the Bible say about being the girl with the oil? Standing at the door for her groom? Yes boo! That’s me. I’m gonna be the first one to get married out of this cobweb vagina group!
Just wait and see!
I am wearing leggings with a pull over hoody & tying my hair in a bun today! & no one and I mean NO ONE! Better not say anything to me about it! I am tired of consulting people about every little decision I decide to make in my life.
I am living by my own rules from now on. I cannot continue to try to live up to everyone else’s expectations of me. Not even my own. I am learning that now. Trying to please everybody is starting to drain the crap out of me!
Jewel growls and tries to ignore her.
Jewels mother waits a few more moments before finally screaming to the top of her lungs.
Deidra: I know that ain’t no back talking I here!
Back talk? Is she serious. I am 27 years old.
Jewel: “No ma..it’s just the time of the month. And I don’t feel so—”
Kim: “WHY ARE YALL YELLING IN MY HOUSE? CUT ALL THIS NOISE OUT! I’m trying to get ME SOME DA** sleep and y’all out here being LOUD!
Jewel: “Grandma I’m sorry, it’s just—”
Kim: “IF YOU WOULD’VE CAME HERE LIKE YO’ MAMA TOLD YOU 5 MINUTES AGO, NONE OF US WOULD HAVE A REASON TO BE HOLLERING AT YOU! BUT YOU HARDHEADED! JUST LIKE YO’ PAPPY! AND YOU DON’T LISTEN TO NOTHING NOBODY TELL YOU! ALWAYS-“
Jewel gets up and walks in the living room where her mom is doing hair.
Jewel: “Ma, what is it that’s so important? You know I’m cramping, I already told you earlier I wasn’t feeling too—”
Deidra: “It’s your daddy.”
Deidra holds out the phone for Jewel to grab it. Jewel hesitates before taking it. She exhales before putting a fake smile on her face. Barely opening her mouth; she says Hi.
Jordan: “Hey! Baby cakes! I got the weekend off and wanted to know if you wanted to come and spend some time with your old man later on? I was thinking we could hang out for the weekend, play some cards, invite some of your friends over for a pool party.”
Is he serious? A pool party? Play cards? Invite friends over for the weekend? What am I, 12? Where is my real daddy? He must be high.
Jordan: “That sound like something you want to do baby cakes?”
Baby cakes? When this negro start calling me baby cakes? Child, I’m finna hang up. Something must be wrong.
Jewel: “Uhm.. I don’t know what to say..”
Jordan: “Say you’ll spend some time with me.” “That’s all..”
I don’t know what’s going on with this man today but I don’t have time for it. I don’t know if it’s guilt, the weed he smoking, or what, but I Dᴏɴᴛ Hᴀᴠᴇ Tɪᴍᴇ. Where was all this when I actually wanted to do these things; AS A CHILD? I’m almost 30 and this man is calling me baby cakes and talking about a pool party.
Jordan: “You still there?”
Jewel: “Uhh.. yeah.. Hey dad I’m not feeling too good, I think now is not a good time. Next week will probably be better. Maybe we can work something out then.”
Jordan: “You said that last week, and the week before…I’m just trying to spend time with my little girl and hope we can—”
Girl? I’m a grown a** woman now!
Jewel: “Where was you at, when I was 10 and 11 and needed a father? Better yet, what about when I was 14 and getting touched on and filled up by your brother!”
Deidra: “Aww sh** give me the phone Jewel!”
Jewel throws the phone down.
Jewel: “I told y’all I wasn’t feeling good! Y’all kept pressuring me & kept calling me! And for what? To answer the phone for a man I barely even know! Y’all knew I wasn’t in the mood for this sh** today!”
Kim: “AW HELL NAW! Watch yo mouth in my got dam* house you lil Heffa! The only bad b**** that’s gone be cursing and yelling up in this house is me!”
Jewel: “Man! I’m outta here! Where are the keys?”
Deidra: “There right over there on the mantle Jewel.”
Jewels mom sighs. She shakes her head and continues braiding her clients hair. Jewel grabs them before looking at her mom. The look of disappointment is heavy on her face. Jewel exhales before rubbing her eyes together.
Jewel: “Ma, I’m sorry. I gotta go. I gotta clear my head. This is too much for me today.”
Deidra: “I’m sorry baby.” “I just wanted you and your dad to try to build a relationship. You never know when it’s gonna be somebody’s last day…”
Jewel: “Ma, I love you.”
Jewel Kisses Deidra on the cheek and heads for the front door.
Kim: “And DON’T slam my”—
Kim: “Lil Helfa..”
Jewel gets in the car and lays her head on the steering wheel.
Keke: “Don’t forget ladies! Choose the kind of flower you are and why! This is part of the group exercise!
Okay, maybe I did overreact.
I know I can be a bit cold at times. I’m just so over it. I’m over the pretending. I’m over the fakeness. The facades. I just want realness.
And real people in my life! I know that’s why you sent me these girls. & I’m thankful for them. They seem like their the only ones who get me.
I can’t lie though, I do roll my eyes at Keke sometimes. She’s always so dam* happy & bubbly. I wonder to myself, how in the hell does she do it?
Sometimes it gets so hard to juggle life.
Yet, people expect you to do it. Then, you have to keep your composure and be happy?
Life is too crazy for that.
Keke: Jewel we’re still waiting on your flower entry!
What kind of flower am I?
Is Keke serious right now?
I can’t even think straight, let alone think about a flower.
But, I did promise her I would do this challenge for the next “4 weeks.” Seems like as soon as I made a vow to get my life back on track and get closer to God, all Hell started breaking loose.
And Today’s only day one…
Still, I’m gonna stick it out. I said I was going to do this Challenge, so here we go.
Let me pull over before I have an accident.
Jewel pulls into Chik-Fil-A’s parking lot.
If I was a flower..
What would I be?
Jewel grabs her phone and looks up “pretty flowers” on google.
This one is pretty! Yeah, I’d be that! I’d be a tulip!
They’re colorful and look vibrant. How I wish I could be. I’m always striving to be better and I swear I would get there if I wasn’t surrounded by so much garbage & negativity everyday.
Speaking of garbage is that a peach milkshake this woman just tossed in the trash?
Oh my god! They brought back the Peach Milkshake!
Let me get in this drive-thru right now!
10 minutes later.
Jewel tosses her cup and turns up her radio.
See, that’s what I’m talking about!
All I needed was some me time and a good shake!
Speaking of me time…
Jewel sees Keke’s story on Instagram.
Where in the world is Keke?
Oh my god this place is nice!
I need to call her ASAP!
She gotta let me roll through.
I need that in my life!
(Based on true stories)
****You’ve just read the first entry to “Thoughts of A Single Black Christian Woman“****
Be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss any future postings! We’ll be posting every Friday!
Thanks for reading!